July 29, 2013

Ropes Part 4- My Moment

Have you ever been in a moment that you just knew you were in that moment? Nothing else mattered? What did you feel? What did you think about? Did you think about the past? Did you think about the future? Did you care what people thought of you?

One of the challenges we had on Ropes course was climbing the pole pictured  here. I consider this my moment because I was completely in my moment. I wasn't thinking about where I was going, what I would do when I got there, or anything but the very moment I was in.

I thought, "Next hook." "Up." The whole time. I barely heard the people around me. I am pretty sure they were cheering me on. :) I was completely focused until I got to the top and the sun came through the trees. Then my thoughts changed to "They need one more hook!" "Dang sun, no distractions." "How am I supposed to keep going when I can't see?"

Oops! I was distracted! I got a little scared up there and almost got stuck.

Here's what I have learned to do when I get stuck. I say, "How can I?" It's amazing what happens when a person asks themselves such questions and then actually chooses to listen to and follow the answer. In this case the answer was simply, "Just do it."

I loved climbing up the pole. I had many friends that struggled. I found it easy to do. I had struggles on other challenges that they found easy, or at least they didn't let on were a challenge. The only reason this was easy for me was my complete focus in the moment. At the top I changed focus.

At the top I was aware of how out of breath I was. I was aware of how shaky legs were from the exercise they weren't used to. I became aware of how high I was. I didn't feel like I would have the time I wanted to regain my breath and legs before I had to jump off. I didn't even feel like I could communicate with those below because I couldn't speak through my ragged breathing.

Up at the top all the mind chatter starts in. Doubts about myself. Fears about the height. Fears about what others would think if I waited, didn't wait, if I sat down, or whatever.

How many times are we in a moment and then become aware that people are watching us? I notice this all the time. I talk to myself while I drive. I sing and dance with the car radio and then I realize that other drivers are looking at me. I end up stopping. I end up hiding.

It's like me at the top of the pole. Going up I was so in the moment. It was easy. It was fun. Then I got to the top and let myself get out of the moment. All of the sudden I wanted to stop and hide.

Of course I jumped off the pole. I had to get down somehow. :) It was fun and I felt almost like I was flying.

I know people that live in the moment. They are some of the most powerful and inspiring people that I know. They are asking themselves what they want and then they are doing it. The let go of judgment and just are.

What would happen if we all lived this way? What would happen if when I notice someone looking at me while I dance and sing in my car, instead of stopping, I just chose to wave and smile?

Here's what I think would happen. Magic. We'd inspire others to live in the moment. We'd show others that it is ok to be in the moment too.

I recently was at a parade. It was just me and my 20 year old son. No little kids were with me. I was waving, screaming and flirting just like I would have 23 years ago. I was having a blast. The best part was that those in the parade always waved back, smiled and flirted back. It didn't matter that I was a 40 year old versus a child. It mattered that I was totally enjoying the moment which inspired them to enjoy that moment too.

To read more about my ropes experiences you can read Ropes Part 1-My Choice, Ropes Part 2-I Choose No, and Ropes Part 3-War Wounds.

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July 18, 2013

Ropes Part 3- War Wounds

What happens when we don't choose into what we are doing in our lives? What happens when we let others make decisions for us? My answer is War Wounds.

This is part 3 of a series highlighting the lessons I learned on a Ropes Course. You can read Ropes 1- My ChoiceRopes 2- I Choose No and any other posts I've written on the progress of my goal.

If you have read my other posts you would know that on my ropes day I committed to choosing in for each activity. We had a huge activity in which we, as a group, found a way over a wall. I did choose into the activity, but...

In this activity we had a leader. He would choose who to have go over in which order. I ended up being second. I did my power pose that indicated that I chose in. Here's the deal. I wasn't ready for my turn. I was going through the motions.

I really wasn't ready. I didn't check in with myself to see if I was ready. I didn't let anyone else know that I wasn't ready. I didn't want to let them down. I didn't take care of me first. I "took care of" the group by going when I was told versus when I was ready.

Then I got stuck. I was inches from being over and I was stuck. I had dear friends holding onto me so I wouldn't fall. It hurt. I couldn't go back down, because that could hurt me more, as well as hurt a whole group of people below. I didn't know how to go up.

The bruises in the picture are a result of my being stuck. Oh my goodness that hurt. I was in so much pain. Being stuck just kept making it worse.

So how did I get over the wall and out of increasing pain? I didn't. I'm typing from that position, believe me it's hard to type and hold on for dear life.

Obviously I'm kidding! I did get over that wall. When the pain was bad enough, I decided to commit into going over that wall. It was hard to celebrate the success because the pain of those bruises as they healed was so great.

How often in our lives are we stuck at the top? A small step or a little effort and over we go. How painful do we let it get before we finally commit? How much healing is required after we got over, instead of celebrating our success?

Pain can be a great motivator. Pain can really get us to commit. Wouldn't it be more fun and fulfilling if we moved into a way of being that had us committing and being motivated by desire? This is where I am headed! It's a fun place to be. Less pain, more celebrating, it's awesome!


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July 13, 2013

Success

This picture reminds me of some of the amazing beliefs I have taken on in the last few months. I have loved my journey. I love even more who I have become.

When I look in the mirror, I am still amazed at how beautiful I look. Did I change anything on the outside? No! I simply chose to see myself differently.

It took courage to follow through with my commitment to file for divorce. We've recently gone to the classes that Utah requires as a part of the divorce process for parents. I learned there that I've already moved through the stages of grief arround the end of my marriage. I guess 3 1/2 years of separation can do that for me. I always saw myself as stuck. Maybe I wasn't stuck so much as just healing.

It took dedication to go through all of my boxes. There were some that I'd open and think, "There can't be anything of his in here," yet there often was an item or two. It took choosing to be friends in order to have a day of peace when sorting dishes together. I was able to stand up for some of my wants and I surprised him with some of the things I was willing to let him have. That takes a real love of self.

I had a way to measure my goal. I would know I loved me when...
I could go places like the mall and not compare myself to the other girls. I remember a couple of months ago, as a part of the reason for choosing this goal, that I saw a tall, thin, young, blond girl. I had thought, "That is what guys want." I love how as I have learned to love me I am seeing all men and women in a completely different light. I see beauty in all shapes and sizes! I know that as my desires are not the same as my friends, so too do men's desires vary.
I can be ok as I see happy couples. I now think, "Oh, isn't that sweet." There are no more lines going through my head saying things like, "That's not fair. I want that. I'll never have that." In fact I believe I can have that. I believe that I am ok if it never happens. I'm content with who I am, knowing that I am a whole person in a perfect place for me.
I am walking around and going places seeing men as men; as human beings. This means I am not seeing a man, thinking "he's cute" and then searching for a ring or other indications that he's taken. I find myself noticing that there are men that draw me to connect with them. I am not putting a label on that connection of "he's the one". I love that I can be friends, real friends, with men.
I've had some bonuses from this goal. My relationships with my children have become stronger. I find myself being more patient with them. I am taking time to really connect with my children. I am willing to let others assist in their care if that is what is best for them. Before I resented any input or help even when I allowed it to happen. I can let go and share.

I desire doing things for my body and health that I didn't desire before. My posture and the way I speak with people has improved. I have made so many friends in the last few months. In my class and outside of my class. They are true friendships, like those I have always wanted to have.

Now that I am in love with me, I am ready to take on the next project. I achieved this goal 4 weeks early! I will finish my series on the lessons I have learned from Ropes. :) I love sharing what I learn. What's the next goal? I am creating a successful business!

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July 04, 2013

Ropes Part 2- I Choose No

It's been a whole week since ropes. :) I remember it like it just happened! As I shared in Ropes Part 1- My Choice, I took on consciously choosing throughout the day.

As we approached an activity that is often found on ropes courses, a trust fall, I had the impression that this was my activity to say, "No."

I, like a lot of people, am the kind of person that doesn't like to say no. I don't want to cause waves or hurt feelings. Instead I'll say yes, and then feel burdened because it isn't right for me.

The trust fall is something I've done before. Outlook, however, has their own twist on the activity. Choosing no would mean that I wouldn't participate in the changed part. It was so extraordinarily hard to follow through on what my inner-self said to do.

Trust. It takes trust to follow my inner-self. It takes trust that people aren't going to get upset. It takes trust to believe that they will respect my choice and not try to change my mind. For me, it took more trust to say no then it would have to have taken that fall.

Later the facilitator asked me, "Did you cause waves when you said no?" At first, I answered no. Then I realized something. Yes, I did cause waves. They weren't the kind that rock the boat. They were the kind that empower others to step into their own agency and ability to say no.

This was my most emotional event of the day. I learned so much throughout the whole day. This is one of the most powerful lessons that I can take with me. Take time to listen to your intuition. If it's right to say no, then do it. Not only are you honoring your self, you are also empowering others!


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