December 01, 2014

The Ego Has Landed

I finished the draft for my book. I was surprised. I  didn't expect to have the surge of emotion that I had. Oh sure I expected to feel joy and such as I completed it but I didn't expect what I got.

What I got was a surge of many kinds of emotions all at the same time. There was a sense of loss. There was anxiety about the revision process and the publishing aspects. There was joy. There was relief. I felt a weight lift from my chest. I was left almost disturbed at finishing. I had no clue about so many of those emotions. I am sure it was a great healing for me but wow.

So what did that do for me? Oh it put me in my head. I started to feel the beliefs running through me and doubt. Was I good enough? Was my book going to be good enough? Would it be too short? Would it be... I started to feel a lot of fears surface. I did my best to let go of them. In fact I'm feeling pretty good about most of it now. I'm still a little uncertain on how I will publish. I have a few options and sometimes having choices for me is a little eh.

What was really weird for me was going from a state of joy, because I was writing from the spirit, to this place of fear. I was allowing my spirit to fully live and express herself through my writing. It left me on a spiritual high of sorts. It made it easier to stay in peace with my children and the events of life. Oh I would have my times when I fell out of peace but it was easier to get back with the healing that was happening. Then I started my revise.

For someone looking at things from a scientific point of view they might say that to write the way I do is to write from the right brain or even the subconscious. It's almost meditative, well I guess it actually is writing from within a meditative state. The left brain or conscious mind in many ways is disconnected from the process. The nature of revision tries to open the conscious and keep you in the left brain state.

Now there is nothing wrong with the left brain. I like my left brained side. I like making charts and even sometimes analyzing data. I quite enjoy the balance it brings to my life. I love that there are people who dominantly think with the left brain, for it brings balance to the world. It is a mistake to think that the spirit can't perform and be there for this left brained type activity. Your spirit is designed to participate in all aspects of life.

So then what happened? All of my doubts and fears about who I am or how good I am or if I am enough those all came up as I began my revising process. Instead of feeling peace and joy at the end of a writing session, I felt tense and aggravated. I started worrying about word counts. There aren't necessarily a lot of words in my 13 chapter book. In some ways each chapter is like a blog post. Now, I am sure it is perfect. It is what is meant to be and when I think of similar books many of them are short.

I had even began writing on another thing. This time it's a Christmas book. A children's story. I'm excited for a different aspect of my writing to be written this way. Even with this new book I still dreaded writing again. Silly ego. :D

What to do? Breath deep. Let it out. Write, journal, if necessary. Use whatever healing techniques you know and then be gentle with yourself as you move through the process of allowing your spirit to again live fully in your body.

This is what I did and today is a great day. I'm excited about writing. Even excited about revising!

Have a beautiful day.


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